As women, we tend to wear our emotions on our sleeve. Men don't. They just don't. They look at everything differently. They really are from Mars. I can't imagine having to deal with some of the temptations that they have to deal with. When I see a man without a shirt on, for instance, that image doesn't really stay in my mind. If I really want to dwell on it, I have to go back and look at it. (Not a good idea, by the way. Just let it go, in the immortal words of Frozen.) Men, on the other hand, can remember details of that famous actresses' body that was flaunted in that R rated movie that you thought you couldn't live without seeing. I mean, days later, those images still pop up. Don't believe me? Ask an honest man.
Having said all of that, here is my first bit of wisdom for you:
1. Once you have chosen the "One", please know that he is human. He will forget to pick up his socks and underwear. Let's face it: by now he has forgotten that he left it there. It doesn't make him a bad man, just a messy one. Before you bend down to pick it up, remember the last time he had to lift that box down from the top of the closet, or bring it in from the garage because it was just too heavy for you to carry, then smile (even if you have to force it) and pick it up.
A few years ago, at a pastor's conference in Chicago, I broke my ankle within 6 hours of arriving there by plane. You should know that when I do something, I don't do it halfway. I really do it. As a matter of fact, we had to stay over until Friday before the doctor was even willing to do the surgery. An extra night in the hotel, the hassle of changing our tickets, all of that. But it didn't end there. When I took a bath, my husband had to lift me out of the tub. Not my best days, but he was there and did whatever I needed him to without complaining and with the utmost of TLC. If I need a reminder of how much he loves me, I picture those days. If your husband isn't perfect, but has done things to show how much he cares, take a minute to write them down if you need to in a book of remembrance. The bad things you'll remember, but when you need an opportunity to relish in your spouse's care, pick up that book and refresh your short memory! Need help here? Does he provide for your family? Does he cook dinner or do laundry? Think of something, even if you have to dig deep.
2. Don't listen to all of those bad outside voices. People who love you will support you, even when you are in sin, if you aren't careful. Hear me carefully here. Even your loving mother, who helped lead you to the Lord may tell you to leave a man if he hurts you. After all, she is till a mother, and we can be a real bear when we must! When someone begins to complain about how bad their husband treats them, others around them begin to reflect on the things in their own relationships that aren't the way they want them to be. This can wreak havoc on a marriage, so guard your heart carefully.
Is someone telling you that you are "better" than him? Is someone telling you that you deserve better? Forget it, girl. As my mother-in-law is so fond of saying, "You ain't better than anyone else, and ain't no one better than you, either." You really deserve hell. Live it. Love it. Learn it. You do things that hurt him without even knowing it sometimes. Here's a revelation for you. When you complain to him about something he did that bothered you, chances are he is hearing that he is a bad, mean husband. Even when that's not what you are saying. Don't believe me? Ask an honest man.
3. Don't lose your focus when he corrects you. Look, if you should be allowed to point out his faults and sins, be prepared for the fact that you have probably done some things outside the lines that need correction, too. When you begin to be honest with one another, those things will likely come out as a defense mechanism. Be prepared to learn something about yourself that isn't too pretty. Be prepared to need to change some things if his arguments have merit. You can change, too. Pray about it.
My son, Darren, loves food. He would find it the most loving thing in the world if I would serve him chocolate cake for breakfast every morning. We all know that would be a bad plan. (I have to give major props to my husband for coming up with this illustration. I just love that man.) It's my job to keep him on course. It's my husband's job to keep me on course when I am failing in marriage or mothering. It is. Read your Bible, you'll find it's true.
4. Give up your right to be angry and confrontational. If you try to correct behavior in anger in your children, you could leave bruises. Most people consider that abuse. The smart parent lets the heat cool while the child "reflects on their bed" or some other method until the mad is past and you can remember how cute they looked when they wore that monkey towel after bedtime ten years ago. Not kidding. The same is true for your marriage. Don't try to correct him while you are angry. Pick up that remembrance book and remind yourself that he isn't all bad. In fact, he has put up with your sorry attitudes many times before - remember? (If not, this could also be a good time to ask your honest husband.)
Pick a time when things are good, but don't go to bed without at least making a stab at correcting the issue. Otherwise, it will fester and cause bitterness, which I often equate to swallowing poison while expecting the other person to die. Even if you have to stay up all night to work it out, try to do it. It pays off in huge dividends later.
5. Dating is cheaper than divorce, so do it. Sometimes, you have to get away from the kids and have adult speaks. (That's for Pops!) I'm not even talking about correction here. I mean you should talk about things that don't involve the children. This, by the way is called a date. You get away and spend time focusing on each other. You don't have to spend a lot of money, just some time. Walk around the mall if you must, don't insist on dinner and a movie. Trade babysitting with a trusted friend or farm the kids out for the evening and stay home for dinner and a movie.
We had a pastor once say that if you think getting away for a weekend is expensive, you should check out the cost of a divorce. Trust me, it's much cheaper to date your spouse. (Props to Buster Gilliam for this one.) He was so right. Richard and I have made it a habit to date, even though we are married. Even if we have to set aside lunch time to make it happen, we try to date regularly. My friend's parents used to hire a babysitter every Thursday night so they could date. They are still married, and an excellent example for all of us. (Love you, Smith family.) It wasn't until I was married myself that I actually saw the great benefit of this practice.
6. Love really is a verb. Sometimes, when all of the other avenues have been exhausted, you just have to remember that love is an action that can be done by choice. Even when your heart is feeling bruised and betrayed, you can still love him. You may have to do it from a distance if you are in danger, but depending on emotions, which women tend to do, will only lead to more heartache, not less. Men tend to get comfortable. That's not an indictment on men. It's just true. They told you they loved you when they married you. Isn't that enough? By the way, if you are a man and reading this, it isn't! Tell her more. Show her in little ways. Does she like a bath? Draw one for her and light some candles. I promise she will appreciate it.
Choosing to love someone will never be easy. Sometimes this also applies to children, and I have seen many parents go through some times when loving their child was well past the limit of pleasurable. Why is it that we don't give up on children, but we do give up on husbands? After all, marriage came first, not those cute little bundles of joy. Choosing to love does not make you weak. In fact, it makes you infinitely stronger.
There are probably many other things I could add to this post. However, the last time I checked, you don't exactly get a prize for being the most long-winded in a blog post, and honestly, my mind can only comprehend what my backside can endure! I hope that you aren't going through a hard time in your marriage right now. It is hard. The "stuff of earth" (R. Mullins) will try to divert your attention to other things because satan doesn't like the family so much. God loves the family and instituted yours, whether you believe that or not. Keep trying. Keep reaching out. I know you may be hurting, but leaving is not the answer. Hang in there, wife and mother. Life is just practice for the big game, anyway. In heaven, Jesus will make it all better. I promise.
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